5 Techniques to Discover What You Really Want in Life
We walk through our days in pursuit of what we believe is fulfillment, happiness, and the lifestyle we want. Ironically, what we say we want isn’t always what we really want.
Most of what people desire is an emotional state. “I believe that having this XYZ (thing) or being at this XYZ (place) will provide me with something or make me feel a certain way.”
In other words, beneath our wants and desires is our core motivation, an emotional state that we long to experience.
So, what desires and emotional states are you seeking? Most people are so inundated with messages from their family, peers, and society of what they "should" want that their true desires are drowned out. Even if you've held dreams and desires in the past, your life experiences may have led you to believe that what you want is not likely, so you stop allowing yourself to want it. Having clarity of what is at the core of your desires is empowering and liberating.
Here are some ways to identify your true desires:
Dreams
Our dreams (including daydreams) are a way to discover what you really want. Imagine that financial, physical, and geographical concerns are not an obstacle. In a journal or notebook, write down five things you currently or previously wanted, desired, or dreamed about. These could have been in childhood or adulthood. You may not have allowed yourself to think about these desires for a long time. For each one, ask yourself if this is something that you still desire. If not, cross it out and let it go. Circle any desires that you feel a strong emotional reaction to when you think about them. Then, Get More Specific* and Dig Deeper*.
Confirm What You Do NOT Want
For many people, it's easier to identify what they do NOT want than what they DO want. In the same journal, list the things you do not want in your life. These can be things that previously were in your life that you never want to experience again. There can be things that are currently in your life that you would like to stop. They can be things you are simply sure you never want in your future. Once you know what you do not wish to do, ask yourself, "What is the opposite of what I do not want?" or "If I know I do not want "X," then what do I want that frees me from this?"
Getting More Specific*
Once you have determined some things you want and don't want, then determine the roles, beliefs, and well-being states that have influenced your life story and new perspectives. We do this to discover whether our life areas and influences are connected to our true desires or not. For each of these desires, consider your role, beliefs, and well-being in these areas: Relationships * Family * Career * Leisure * Money * Health * Education.
Continue writing in your journal or notebook and ask yourself if each area of your life is in a "Yes, I want more of this!" state. It's okay if you're still not sure what you want. Allow your desires to grow over time. Throughout your day, notice whether you like or dislike certain things, people, situations, or experiences. Consider a moment when you think or feel, "Yes, I want more of this!" Or "No, thank you" for the things you do not like. (sidebar - saying "no thank you" helps to acknowledge that you appreciate the ability to identify what you don't want).
Dig Deeper*
To anything you have identified as "I want more of this," ask yourself, "Why?" This is important because our commitment to things, ideas, people, etc., works when we have enough reason, often referred to as a "core reason." Core reasons typically have an emotional connection to something or someone. Getting to the depths of your "Why?" is essential to find your core motivation. A surface-level answer to your "Why?" is not usually a big enough reason to commit to what you desire. For example, I tell you that I want to be more effective and productive at work, and when you ask me, "Why?" I tell you, it’s so I can get a promotion and a raise. While that is a good reason, it is not a core reason. You continue to ask me, "Why is a promotion and raise important?" I tell you that I want to buy a larger home. Okay, this sounds like a big reason, but it's still not a core reason. So, you dig deeper with, "Why do you want a larger home?" I reply that it is so my brother and mother can move in with me, and we fulfill our dream to all live together as a family. Now, we've found a core reason. This reason is aligned with an emotional state and emotional experience. This took some digging because we wouldn't naturally think that this was ‘why’ I wanted to be more efficient and productive at work. In fact, my desire isn’t to be more efficient and productive at work. In this example, what I desire is the emotional experience of having my family living with me.
To each "why" answer, dig deeper with questions like –
Why does this matter to me?
How would it make me feel? What would happen if I didn't have, do, or be this?
Is there an emotional connection to this in some way?
Is this really my desire or something that society portrays as having value?
Do I want this XYZ or something else as a result of this XYZ?
Continue exploring until you get to the core reason.
You, Not Others. Consider if any of the things you "want" are what you truly want or if you think you "should" want because of some other source of influence. It's easy to adopt other people's dreams unknowingly. It's easy to get wrapped up in an image of desires on social media or even in our neighborhood. Often, those portraying a perfect picture of their life or lifestyle haven't identified a core motivational desire for this portrayal. Suppose you want something because it is what others portray – it happens! In that case, there won't be a core reason or motivation for your desire. Keep digging deeper to find your true desires with a core motivation.
Ultimately, clarity in identifying our desires provides mindful freedom and empowerment to enable them. A by-product of this clarity is happiness!
Wishing you happiness (and clarity) this Labor Day weekend!